Bottle Jokes

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

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What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating?

A re-lotion-ship.

How did the bottle of whiskey laugh?

wryly.

What does an empty bottle of Champaign and an orphan have in common?

Nether of them have a pop.

What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common?

They both lost their pop.

What's the biggest similarity between a bottle of Draino and a Danish stripper?

They both slowly remove clogs.

Why do pills bottles have cotton in them?

So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.

What's the difference between Tuna, a Piano, and a bottle of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey?

The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.

What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game?

At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

What did the bottle of milk say to the Mexican?

Soy milk.

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What happens when you cross the band "The Knack" and a bottle of Corona?

A song called "My Corona"

What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?

A really good watch.

What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle?

breaking the seal on a rock.

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

What's worse than finding Astroglide on your Mom's shopping list?

Finding an empty bottle in the trash.

What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy's pocket?

A bonding agent.

Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?

Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!

Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?

For people that don't want anything to drink

How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000?

Smells like teen spirit.

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

Who says you can't make someone love you?

I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

How did you meet daddy?

Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare

What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?

A bit of a shock really!

What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?

They can both take about 65 loads.

What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage?

They go to Cannes

What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?

He was convicted of fragrancy.

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar ?

A sourpuss !

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch?

OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.

Why was the bottle laying down?

someone flipped it.

What did the cork say to the bottle?

If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you.

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?

Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end

What do you call a bottle of seltzer that lost all its bubbles?

Water...

Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?

They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!

What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

How does a virgin pop her cherry?

by using a bottle opener

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Penguin Jokes More Penguin Jokes

Why are penguins socially awkward?

Because they can't break the ice.

What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins?

Fred.

Vodka Jokes More Vodka Jokes

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

What's the Russian word for water?

Vodka

Whiskey Jokes More Whiskey Jokes

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins

How does a crackhead order their whiskey?

On the rocks

Pop Jokes More Pop Jokes

How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn?

China probably can pop corn in one minute.

What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool?

What's blue, orange and lying at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with popped floaties.

Girl Jokes More Girl Jokes

How do you compliment a girl with a cold sore?

You tell her that her smile is contagious.

What you you call a girl you meet on Reddit?

You don't.

Date Jokes More Date Jokes

What happens on the first date with Bill Cosby?

I don't remember

How did you know that the janitors were dating?

They were caught sweeping together.

Jim Morrison Jokes More Jim Morrison Jokes

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch?

OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.

Why did Jim Morrison overdose on drugs?

To get to the other side.

Oc Jokes More Oc Jokes

What's the difference between a fish and an elephant?

OC) You really can't tell the difference between a fish and an elephant

What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday?

You have to love easter, baby." (OC)