Touch Jokes

Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?

He touched the beaker before it was cool.

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What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water?

An egg in a duck.

What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song?

Can't Touch This"

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie?

Disney movies can still touch little kids.

What do you call an astronaut that doesn't like being touched?

A personal space man

What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral?

He touched a lot of people.

What do you call a guy who likes touching unripened cheese?

A fetaphile

What do characters at Disney World and strippers have in common?

No touching!

What do you call a gangster who is really in touch with his emotions?

An emo-g

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

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What do museums and girls have in common?

It is always look but don't touch.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies?

Disney movies can still touch children.

When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What did David say when the tourist tried to touch him?

Don't touch my marbles.

What do they have in common ?

Both of them can sniff "the goods" but no one can touch !

What will never be read in braille?

Do not touch.

How are asymptotes like women?

You can get close to it, but you can't touch it

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

How would you write do not touch in Braile?

A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence?

Shocked.

What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?

They think long and hard before they touch weiner.

What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common?

they touched some many lives

How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

When the big hand touches the little hand

How do you know when it's midnight at Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.

Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes?

Because he's extinct

How about if I put a balloon over it?

Would you touch it then " -guy who invented condoms

What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

One of them got shot for touching a kid.

What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear?

Answer: You Blink Your Eyes.

What did the bear say to the judge?

I bearly touched her.

When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Why did the nun call the Womens helpline?

because she was touched by Jesus.

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

What do black guys have that's double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman?

A. Their criminal record

Whats the world weakest animal ?

A toad he croaks if you even touch him !

Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15?

That's when the big hand touches the little hand.

What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

Do not touch"

Why are you letting people touch your new born?

I don't let people touch my new iPhone

What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together?

The clap.

What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?

Danger: Do not touch"

What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day?

When the big hand touches the little one

What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?

When your nose touches the ceiling !

What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?

thick Italian accent* "She don't even touch it."

What time was it when Jared got fired?

When the big hand touched the little hand

What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

Do not touch.

When is it bedtime at the neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little one.

Where did he touch you as a kid?

that will be an extra $50."

What actor touches every girl on set?

David Cop-a-feel

What happens when your scrotum touches the edge of the toilet bowl?

Ebowla.

What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common?

Can't touch this!

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

What did the pirate say to the other pirate?

Don't touch my booty

What's the worst thing to read in Braille?

Don't touch this.

What do you call wood-smoothing equipment that's hot to the touch?

Bernie Sanders

Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?

The back of her head.

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Egg Jokes More Egg Jokes

How will a black chef start with his recipe?

First we steal two Eggs

What did the egg say to the other egg?

Have a eggsellent day.

Big Hand Jokes More Big Hand Jokes

What time was it when Jared got fired?

When the big hand touched the little hand

When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals ?

He went down really well !

What happens when you combine Rick & Morty with a Solar Flare?

You get Solar Morty and WOOOoooooo!

Character Jokes More Character Jokes

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

What are Alphabet employees gonna be called?

Characters.

Beaker Jokes More Beaker Jokes

Why were the Beakers all packed and moved out of the university lab?

They were graduated

What did the douchebag say to the chemist when he dropped his beaker?

U mad scientist?

Answer Jokes More Answer Jokes

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?

Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

Why are there school shootings?

Mr.Garrison: "Let's start the day with a world news question. Why are there school shootings?" The media: "Violent video games?" Mr.Garrison: "Okay, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

Little Hand Jokes More Little Hand Jokes

Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15?

That's when the big hand touches the little hand.

How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

Water Jokes More Water Jokes

What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water?

An egg in a duck.

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.