Putin Jokes

What did Hillary say when she lost?

Putin end to my life.

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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the olympic games ?

To be put out.

What do you call a weird Russian?

Off-Putin.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine?

Crimea river

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?

Crimea River.

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

What does Putin say during his new years speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

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Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine?

Cri-me-a river!"

What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?

Amputin

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

because hes Russian (rush-en)

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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Why don't cannibals have dogs?

Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.

Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

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Why can't you be successful like your brother?

Amazon: heh Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons! Thanksgiving at the Primes

What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

Foreplay Jokes More Foreplay Jokes

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

What's the difference between foreplay and KFC?

Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

What do you call a Russian bovine made out of small flowerless plants?

A moss-cow

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb?

None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.

How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Juan

Vladimir Putin Jokes More Vladimir Putin Jokes

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast?

Head Russian...

What is Vladimir Putin's favourite subject?

Computin science

End Jokes More End Jokes

Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles?

because Happy Hour ended.

Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net?

The www.izard of Oz.

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

What do you call a sleeping police officer?

An undercover cop.

Why was the egg late for work?

It ova slept.