Putin Jokes

What did Hillary say when she lost?

Putin end to my life.

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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the olympic games ?

To be put out.

What do you call a weird Russian?

Off-Putin.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine?

Crimea river

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?

Crimea River.

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

What does Putin say during his new years speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

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Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine?

Cri-me-a river!"

What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?

Amputin

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

because hes Russian (rush-en)

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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Turkey Jokes More Turkey Jokes

What's the most popular type of car in Turkey?

Coupe

What's that, turkey?

GOBBLE GOBBLE Timmy fell in a well GOBBLE GOBBLE breaks turkey's neck no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

Why should you never stand behind Elsa from Frozen?

You never know when she'll Let it Go.

Why couldn't Elsa hold on to a balloon?

She would always let it go.

Vladimir Putin Jokes More Vladimir Putin Jokes

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.

What did Vladimir Putin say after dropping a smashing one-liner?

Putout

Thanksgive Dinner Jokes More Thanksgive Dinner Jokes

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

Why couldn't the pirate have gravy with his thanksgiving dinner?

Because someone stole his boat.

Winter Jokes More Winter Jokes

What movie did they go to see?

Closed for Winter".

Why is a bear brown?

Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

Lose Jokes More Lose Jokes

How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?

Me: *names two of them*

Why did the doctor lose his job?

He lost his patience

Olympic Game Jokes More Olympic Game Jokes

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the olympic games ?

To be put out.

Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games?

All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.

Feed Jokes More Feed Jokes

Why did the doughnut maker retire?

He was fed up with the hole business.

What do people and pizza have in common?

If they're black, they can't feed a family.