Present Jokes

What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?

Leave my presents

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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

Why don't black people get presents for Christmas?

Because prisons don't have chimneys.

What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?

We don't know she hasn't opened her presents yet.

How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?

He felt his presents.

What does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

sleigh-er

Why is toilet paper no good for wrapping presents?

Cos it's tear-able.

What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet

What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?

You only get presents from one set of grandparents.

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Who brings all the good little inclined plane girls and boys presents at Christmas?

Slanta Claus.

Why didn't the tree get any presents for Christmas?

He was knotty.

What do you call presents after you've opened them?

Pasts

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source?

They chia'd.

How do you know when Santa's in the room?

You can sense his presents.

What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

Why didn't the rope get any presents this year?

He was very knotty.

How could you know that?

Darth: I have felt your presents

What did Darth Vader say to Luke on his birthday?

I know what you're going to get, I felt your presents

Where does Santa get presents for bad kids?

Kohl's.

Who's there ! Census ! Census who ?

Census presents for Christmas !

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

Why did the rope not get any presents?

Because he was knotty.

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents?

An elf driving car

How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?

he raps his presents

Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?

Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty

Why do people say children are the future?

They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.

How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?

Santa isn't real.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt?

I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.

How do you like your new teacher ?

Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !

Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for christmas?

He had been illumi-naughty

Who delivers presents to the hood?

Crip Cringle.

What happened to the girl who put too many deviating data into her box plot?

In the end her spread was so large she had to present it without any whiskers.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?

Santa Jaws !

What, How is that possible!?

Vader: I felt your presents. Luke: NOOOOOOO

How could you possibly know?

Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

What is your favourite type of birthday present?

Another present!

What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Slayer.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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Blind Man Jokes More Blind Man Jokes

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish store?

Hello, ladies"

What did the blind man say when he walked by the fish market?

Good morning ladies.

Luke Jokes More Luke Jokes

Why couldn't Luke get any sleep?

Because the Force Awakens

What would Anakin Skywalker's sith name be, if Luke was black?

Dearth Vader

Christmas Jokes More Christmas Jokes

What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear what I Hear?

Kid Jokes More Kid Jokes

What are you doing, dad?

Filing taxes... LOLJK... I'm googling "non-extraditable countries". Pack your bags, kid! We're going to Libya!"

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

Listen Jokes More Listen Jokes

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

Hip-pop.

How do Asian's name their children?

Throw a frying pan down the stairs and listen to the sounds. *Ting tong tow*

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

What did the first stop light say to the second stop light?

Don't look I'm changing

What do a priest and a swimmer who came in second have in common?

The both came in a little behind

Feel Jokes More Feel Jokes

What did Jay Z say to Beyonce after having an ice cream shoved up his arse?

I'm feeling a bit sorbet.

What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

PEEr pressure!

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

How do you offend a vegan?

Cover your ears with your hands

Why did Steve hate being the youngest clone?

Because all his genes were hand me downs.