Use Jokes

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What does Popeye use to toss his salad?

Olive Oil.

What's the difference between... A gold fish and a mountain goat?

One mucks about the mountain. What's the difference between a police batton and a magician's wand One is used for cunning stunts.

Why can't they use PC's as word-processors in Poland?

The screens keep on filling up with white-out.

How does Google clean their facilities?

They use Google Mops.

What online image hosting service do puppies use to post their puppy pictures?

Imgrrrrrrr

What did the 80 grit sandpaper say to the 36 grit sandpaper?

You're a little rougher than I'm used to, but I'll grit and bear it. I'm sorry, that joke was a little rough ;D

What did the soldier use to season his fries?

A salt rifle.

What does Mario use to talk to dead people?

A Luigi Board

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!

Why did the fastest animal on earth got disqualified on the race?

Because it is using steroids.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control?

Parents.

Why dose the navy use liquid soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

Why should you never ask people with Down Syndrome to use a printer?

They always make an extra copy

Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?

Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"

What's the difference between a tea bag and a used tampon?

What's the Difference between a tea bag and a used tampon - I dunno... - I'm never drinking tea at your house again then!

What can run out before you've had a chance to use it?

Slaves.

Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?

eFISHancy!

When I'm dead, I'm going to haunt offices and say, "OooOoo... why are you using your mouse?

hit Control-C... you're taking forever..."

How does Bill Gates enter his house?

A. He uses "windows".

How do you cure the bird flu versus swine flu?

One you use tweetment and the other, oinkment

What hand do you wipe with?

Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper

Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?

He always says it with a hard "arrr."

How do Vampires Make Tea?

Used Tampons

What kind of laundry detergent do handicapped people use?

Downy. I apologize for this one, it's pretty mean. I really do sympathize with handicapped people.

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

How do snails get their shells all shiny?

They use snail polish.

Whatcha makin'?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making Satan: A bong.

What do you use to gamble on vacation?

Pair-a-dice!

What did the woman say while she was having a baby?

This could use some salt."

What do you use to find Greek restaurants?

A gyroscope.

Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?

They have to use their Endor voices.

What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?

That's grounds for divorce!"

What do you call a European using the bathroom?

You're-a-peein"

What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.

Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?

Because they were for test porpoise only

What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

How do you divide old Rome?

Using a pair of Caesars.

How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

They use a Chopin Liszt!

Why do virgins never stand still?

They are used to being chaste.

Why did the mummy stop using the Internet?

He was getting far too wrapped up in it.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

What do mathematicians use to get fast delivery?

Amazon'

How do you make a song better using cement?

By remixing it.

What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed?

A highlighter Edit: Or a Bud Light Courtesy of u/isnottoast

What do you call a Winston using his Jetpack?

A Boosted Animal

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

What's the difference between white students and black students?

Black students bring the gun to school. White kids use it at school.

What's the difference between the Polish and polish?

No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you

Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's baton?

A magicians wand is used for cunning stuns.

How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?

He used a skeleton key.

What do you call an "Asian" that loves using moisturizer?

Laotian.

What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning?

I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off

What streaming site do eldritch horrors use?

Cth-Hulu

Why did the little boy use his inhaler?

No wheezin'"

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray... (Ill see myself out)

What kind of tableware do gym trainers use?

Pilates

How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game?

Marsh-Mellows

What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?

Paypal

How does a virgin pop her cherry?

by using a bottle opener

How is she?

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.

Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?

Because they use a strongly typed language.

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Lil Caesars

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password?

Because it's not stroganoff.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

What is the most used language in programming?

Profanity.

You might also enjoy:

Form Jokes More Form Jokes