Shut Jokes

Why are there no nightclubs on Venus?

They shut down because they had a toxic atmosphere

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Why is a beer like a woman?

After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.

Which part of your body shuts down last when you die?

The eyes, cause they di-late.

How do you get a guitar player to shut up?

Put sheet music in front of him

How do you shut down all the nuclear reactors in the world?

Tell the FineBros. about them

What did Gandalf say when he tried to shut down Auschwitz?

You shall not gas!"

How do you get Akbar to shut up?

Muzzle'm.

Why do Republicans make good DJs?

Because they know how to shut the House down.

Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos?

They'll B flat

How many feminists does it take to dismantle the patriarchy?

None. Once they shut up, no-one has any reason left to oppress them :)

What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

Shut the door im dressing

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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What does it mean when a lion roars?

Shut up. The movie is about to start.

What's the difference between the IRS and a baby?

It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.

How do you shut an Italian up?

Tie his hands behind his back

What did the nun say to the priest?

Shut up

Why was Jesus I such good shape?

Crossfit. Why did the Romans hate Jesus so much? He wouldn't shut up about crossfit.

What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?

I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.

What fried food will shut your neighbor's dogs up?

Hushpuppies.

Why could the crab not find a pair of shoes in his size?

Child labor laws forced all the shoe factories to shut down.

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

How do you suffocate a redneck?

Tape his mouth shut.

How do you shut up a deaf person?

Punch them in the hands.

Which one do you let in?

The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Why are pigs such early risers?

Did you ever try to shut off a rooster

Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK JERK !!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

What'd be worse?

Zombie apocalypse or Facebook shutting down and 500 million retards all of sudden using twitter

What's the Difference between a Wife and an Attic Door?

An attic door can shut up. im going to hell

Why do you always have to be so negative?

Shut up, you're just basic!"

What do we call that one small worm that won't shut up?

A chatterpillar

What does Deadpool need?

Someone to merc him shut up.

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.

What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella?

The umbrella can be shut up.

What's the difference between a dog barking at the front door and a woman screaming at the back door?

If you let the dog in, it will shut up.

What do you call a conservative toothbrush that won't shut up?

Brush Limbaugh

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Shut up.

Why don't women fart?

They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?

Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave

How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ?

With their eyes shut !

Why is grandpa running daddy?

Shut up son, and give me another shell.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?

Nothing. It just shuts up.

What if I sewed myself shut?

Doc: Suture self.

Why did the dry cleaners get shut down?

The owner was arrested for money laundry-ing

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

Why did the man shut his donut shop?

Why did the man close his donut shop ...because he was fed up with the hole business!

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

How do you tell a deaf person to shut up?

Here, hold this."

How does a Muslim shut a door?

Islams it.

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

Babe, it's a valve!"

What's the only thing more annoying than a pushy vegan?

When redditors won't shut up about how annoying one is.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?

Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.

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Computer Jokes More Computer Jokes

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?

A sore finger.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How can you tell if someone is a pilot?

They'll just tell you.

What did Wonder Woman tell The Flash when he saw that he was greying?

I still find you dashing"

Auschwitz Jokes More Auschwitz Jokes

What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz?

Lenght of chimney x wind speed

How do you get to Auschwitz from Berlin?

You have to take the Third Reich.

Spider Jokes More Spider Jokes

Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos?

They'll B flat

What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant ?

I'm not sure but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses !

Start Jokes More Start Jokes

How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto?

It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock.

Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?

if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.

Oppress Jokes More Oppress Jokes

What does a feminist doorbell say?

Stop-oppressing-me

How many SJW's does it take to fix a lightbulb?

100. 100 who complain about the lightbulb oppressing them, and 1 man to actually do it.

Eye Jokes More Eye Jokes

Why were the sandwich fillers eyes too close together?

Because he was in-bread.

What's the biggest fish you ever caught?

That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's not so big!" "Between the eyes "

Piano Jokes More Piano Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine?

A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress

Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?

Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!