German Jokes

How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Nein!

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How do you say "bra" in german?

CUZITHODZITFOMFOPIN.

Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?

German soldiers like to march in the shade.

Why do Germans make such good cars?

To try and make up for the Holocaust.

Who picks up the tab?

The German.

How do you say 'The Torah' in German?

Kindling.

What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward?

OC A receeding Herr line.

What do you call a blind german guy?

A not see.

Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage?

Because they are the wurst.

Why don't Germans play games with new players?

Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.

How much does a German weigh?

Teutons.

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How do you say "whoops" in German?

World War 2

How do you make a German cry?

Show them their gas bill

What's green and german?

Snotzis.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.

What's a German's favorite fruit?

An Auto-Bahnana

What did the German Footballer name his pet?

Schweinsteiger.

Why does Paris have tree lined streets?

Because the German army likes to march in the shade.

Whats the German version of silent night?

Kristall nacht

How do you turn German beer into American Beer?

Drink it

What do Germans call their own EasyMac?

Mein Kraft

What did the german with food allergies say?

Gluten Nacht

Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Germans like shade

What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?

Neingag.

What does the German President wear?

Leader-hosen.

Why did the German boy go to Summer camp?

I don't know he did notsay!

Why is the Champs-Elysees lined with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb?

He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust?

Easy Bake Ovens

Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?

It means nothing to them.

What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?

Kraut funding

What do you call a German rice cake?

A reich cake

What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd?

1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation

What's worse than being German on D-Day?

Being single on V-Day.

What would you find on a German fire truck?

Ladder-hosen

Who took care of German army dogs after the war?

Veteran Aryans

What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership?

Audi"

What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes?

Herr Jordan

Why was the German woman freaking out?

Because she was late.

What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase?

Audi *tips hat*

How many elves does a german santa have?

Elf.

What is the German word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen.

Why did the horse fail German?

Because he could only say, "neighn!"

Which country has the nicest children?

Germany. German children are kinder.

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?

First, invade ze kitchen...

What kind of memes do Germans like?

Danke memes

What do you call a silly, apathetic German boy?

Agoofaloofagus

How do German women know when they're pregnant?

They're never late...

What is the difference between Russian Optimist Pessimist and Realist?

An Optimist learns German. A Pessimist learns Chinese. A Realist learns AK-47.

What do a German says when you show him a good meme?

Danke

How many German does it take to take down a plane?

One. Because he's very efficient and silent while doing it.

How do you get a German out of the bath?

A: Turn on the water.

Why did the German cross the road?

To get to the Reich side

What do you call a rude German?

A Deutsch bag

What time do Germans leave their dentist appointments?

2:39

What's the German guy say when you kick him in teh crotch?

Oof, weinerpain!

What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette?

Gluten tag*

What do you call fake German currency?

Question marks

Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points?

Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.

How does a German call an Irishman?

Komm, Sean!

Why are all German cats dead?

They have nein lives.

What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?

Guden Tight

What's the difference between the Chinese and Germans?

The Chinese rike and the Germans Reich.

What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?

Nigeria.

How many Germans does to take to screw in a light bulbs?

NEIN, NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN

What do you call hiring German engineers to work on your overseas project?

Krautsourcing

Why couldn't the woman date a German man?

Because she was Klaustrophobic!

What does the Personal Computer and German people have in common?

They're both the master race!

What do you call a German living in Canada?

A leder hoser.

What do you call a nice looking WWII german solider?

A Neo Hotzi

Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold?

Because they've gott mit-uns

What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles?

Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.

What's the difference between a Dutch oven and a German one?

The type of gas used.

Whats so good about german cars?

They get from Berlin to Warsaw in one tank

Why should you never drink German beer with Chinese food?

An hour later you're hungry for power.

What do you call a German singalong?

Follow the lieder!

What do you call an ill-tempered German?

A sour kraut.

What do German kids play on the playground?

Guten tag!

Why did the Germans loose WWII?

They kept Stalin around.

Why couldn't the Germans make a good vacuum chamber?

There was too much gas in them.

What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks.

Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?

A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.

What are Germans most thankful for on the internet?

Danke Memes

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot

What do you call a German who cringes a lot?

Vince

What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.

Why are there so many avenues in Belgium?

Because German soldiers like to march in the shadow.

How do you greet a German baker?

Gluten Tag

What do you call a German jerk?

Deutschebag

What do you call a German thief?

A Hamburglar.

How can you tell when a German is joking?

Don't worry, he will inform you after delivery of the punchline has taken place. Just a joke!

Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?

A: Because deep down they are really nice.

What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick?

A: "Ve have vays of making you tock!"

What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?

I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.

Where do german parents send their ADD kids?

Concentration Camps

What's a German Ninja drink beer out of?

A clandestein.

What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?

Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party?

Vill i

What would Germans call a painfully offensive joke?

Ouchwitz &gtsay ouch when offended or in pain &gtWitz is the German word for joke &gtsounds like auschwitz

How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?

Kinder Surprise

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Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A pear. P.s. got this joke in a cracker. If anybody gets it can you please explain it. My family is stumped.

Why does everybody else get the brunt of the jokes?

Let me hear something different.

Scot Jokes More Scot Jokes

How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?

One in Fife

What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.

American Jokes More American Jokes

What do you call an American who does not like apple pie?

A Communist

What does the Chinese government call an American with a PhD in physics, math and chemistry?

STUPID AMERICAN!

Pain Jokes More Pain Jokes

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How do cats let us know that they are in pain ?

Me...........Owwwwww!!

Hate Jokes More Hate Jokes

Why does the can crusher hate his job?

Because it's soda pressing.

Why do SJWs hate Apple computers?

Because they're not PC

1940 Jokes More 1940 Jokes

Who won the Tour de France in 1940?

the Sixth German Panzer Division

Who was the true winner of the 1940 Tour de France?

The 7th German Panzer Division

Heaven Jokes More Heaven Jokes

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy. More traffic is going to hell.

What do you call bread from heaven?

100% holy grain

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How many bees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

How many groupies does it take to change a light-bulb?

None, they all know someone that does it for them.