Wood Jokes

What did Tom hanks do in the woods?

He took a forrest dump.

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How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A whole chuck-load.

What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods?

Darth Deciduous

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

A: Pretty hot

What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe?

Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.

What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?

Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

What's a foot long, is as hard as wood, and is slippery?

A wooden slipper

What wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

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What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood.

Why do bears poop in the woods?

So nobody will see their bare (bear) bottom!

How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood?

His hand caught fire.

What type of wood is the most expensive?

Hollywood! (Made this up while i was doing a project.)

What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods?

I'm not doing that again for two bucks.

What do you call a nun lost in the woods?

A Roamin Catholic.

How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

What kind of an erection does a necrophiliac get?

Mourning wood! :)

What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?

mourning wood

Whats a pirates favourite kind of wood??

Seeder

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

How did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

What is made of wood and sticky?

a Stick!

When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood?

when his hand caught fire!!

How do you know if you're a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood.

How long have you been chopping wood for?

I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"

How do you know if you are a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood

What's a nice guys favorite type of wood?

M'hogany

How much wood can Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?

Chuck Norris would just stare at the wood, and it would chuck itself out of fear.

What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood?

A match made in Heaven.

What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood?

That's a huge axe man!

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?

Answer: "I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha! :)

Which route should you take through the woods when riding a fizzy horse?

The psycho-path!

How far can you run into the woods?

Halfway, any further and you're running out.

What do you call a couple of Irish guys hiking in the woods?

Trail micks.

What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?

The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.

How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !

What is your favorite type of wood?

Mine is morning.

Why we going into the woods?

Let me out"

How did the witch almost lose her baby?

She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

What is the worst kind of wood to have in your home around your kids?

Naughty pine

How far can a rabbit run into the woods?

Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.

How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods?

Very exciting

How does a crazy person get out of the woods?

They take the psychopath.

What has four legs and is made out of wood?

A horse.

What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods?

Teenagers these days be all "I hate you mom I'm joining ISIS."

How did Bill Cosby find his daughter in the woods?

A: Pretty good

What is a neckbeard's favorite type of wood?

m'hogany

Why aren't cars made out of wood?

Because they wooden go.

What do you call the only wood that doesn't float?

Natalie.

What's little, brown, and found in the woods?

Winnies' pooh.

Who's there ! Ankansas ! Ankansas who ?

Ankansas though any piece of wood !

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

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What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What happens when a necrophiliac goes to a funeral?

He gets mourning wood.

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Why didn't Princess Diana have very many friends on Xbox Live?

All she does is stay on the dashboard.

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hits were The Wall.

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What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone?

I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

Morning wood.

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What is the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

One of them has a good driver.

Why did Tiger Woods get divorced?

Because Tiger was a lion cheetah!

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What's the difference between princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods has a better driver

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a better driver!

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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

What did the dead blues musician sing?

Didn't wake up this morning..."

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What is both a fruit and a vegetable?

Elton John in a coma.

Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert?

They found traces of Mercury in him.

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How do you know a guitarist is sad?

They start to fret.

What's her name?

Me: I'm not telling you. Him: What does it start with at least Me: