Morning Jokes

What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

Morning wood.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

What did the cannibal do to the people he didn't like?

He drowned them in the morning.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

Why is the Prime Minister not seen in the morning?

Because he is PM not AM

Why was the daybreak sad?

Because it was in morning.

What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning?

Not Apple Jacks

Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning?

Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

Unfertillized

Where Did it go?

Where did that list of dark jokes posted this morning go? Iv looked everywhere.

What's a pigs favorite morning tv show ?

Morning Ham

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

The Wii hours of the morning.

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

Why is morning wood full of holes?

Because the woodpecker.

What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?

You will be mist.

How did the toad feel in the morning?

A little bit froggy

What did Jesus said to his girlfriend in the morning?

Damn, you really nailed me last night.

This joke may have profanity.

What do mexicans drink in the morning?

Dos Eggys

Why don't you go down on a girl first thing in the morning?

Haven't you ever peeled apart a hot grilled cheese sandwich?

Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?

That's how he mustard the troops.

What did the lonely ghost do at 2 in the morning?

He made a booo-ty call

What's darker than 3am in the morning?

12' noon in the cotton fields.

Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!

How did Moses make his tea in the morning?

Hebrewed it.

Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?

North Koreans have no Seoul. Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.

What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening?

A sphinxter.

What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

What did the fire say the morning of his birthday?

I'm stoked!

Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

Because they knead dough.

Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?

have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?

What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

Yes, I'm completely sure.

What is the definition of torque?

When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.

What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?

She goes home

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

Why are birds always sad in the morning?

Their bills are over dew

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3 AM in the morning?

Getting a right call.

How does a blond like her eggs in the morning?

fertilized"

What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

How often do Chinese people have elections?

When they wake up every morning.

Why does Bane and a monk get along well in the morning?

Because the friar rises!

What's the difference between a guitar and an elevator?

I didn't expose myself inside a guitar this morning.

What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting out of the bed!

Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning?

Because she has two faces.

What time do you get up in the morning ?

About an hour and a half after I arrived at school

When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?

Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!

Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning?

For the Good of the Caws.

Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?

You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich

Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?

A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

What has 4 legs in the morning, two at lunch, and three in the evening?

A cannibal

What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?

An alarm cluck !

Why don't you go down on a girl in the morning?

Have you ever tried to split a grilled cheese

What would be different if men got pregnant?

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

Who knocks on doors at three in the morning?

It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

Why did Richard leave his home this morning?

For Harambe.

What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50?

Good morning your Honor!

How do fallopian tubes like there eggs in the morning?

Ovary-sy

How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning?

A: She opens the car door.

How do you keep a homo in suspense?

I'll tell you in the morning.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning?

A: Because he can't see through the wall.

How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?

By opening the car door.

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...

Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

Why doesn't anyone in insert nations capital use the toilet in the morning?

So they have something to do at night.

What did the dead blues musician sing?

Didn't wake up this morning..."

Who could that be?

It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning?

Well it's back to the old grind!

Why do you look out the window in the morning?

A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.

What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?

A disobedient slave.

What's the difference between work and your daughter?

I'm not coming into work this morning!"

What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American?

A-patchy scalping Edit: Changed haircut to scalping. Because that's what I came up with this morning.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

Walks home.

What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning?

A KKK-Cup!

Who's there ! Alison ! Alison who ?

Alison to my radio in the mornings !

What is your favorite type of wood?

Mine is morning.

Why did the school boy need Viagra?

He was having trouble getting up in the morning.

This joke may have profanity.

What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for?

Around Thevenin the morning

What's white in the morning, white in the afternoon and white in the evening?

An Irishman trying to get a tan.

What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?

amaized.

Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?

In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend

Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?

Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"

What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

I'm not coming in *this morning*"

What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning?

mana-pause

What does a gang member do when he arrives at work first thing in the morning?

He Glocks in

What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software?

Getting McCafe on McAfee

How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

He replied... ...It's hard

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

What do cannibals like to drink in the morning?

A cup of Joe.

What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?

Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.

What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?

Slightly nsfw) His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

This joke may have profanity.

What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?

A dead baby.

Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?

Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !

What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?

Another day.

Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

Who's there ! Ben ! Ben who ?

Ben knocking on this door all morning !

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Blind Man Jokes More Blind Man Jokes

How do you make a blind man mad?

Awwwwwww. Look at them pretty flowers.

What did the blind man say to the blind man?

Long time no see.

Normal Jokes More Normal Jokes

What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

Morning wood.

What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone?

I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Why can't the two melons get married?

I don't know but they cantaloupe.

How do you move a 2000 lb dinosaur?

Don't know?? Use DINO-MITE

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

What else?

You've walked out of wife"

What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly?

A dead bird.

Morning Wood Jokes More Morning Wood Jokes

What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

Morning wood.

What's worse than morning wood?

Mourning wood

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security?

It was armed.

What's supposed to be funny, but let's you down?

This joke...

Tim Cook Jokes More Tim Cook Jokes

What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning?

Not Apple Jacks

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What do I owe ya?

asks the neutron. "For you No charge."

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.