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What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house?

He'll re-possess it

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What would happen if Russia ran out of vodka?

Well, my dear reddit, in nature there is law of conservation of matter. Therefore, if the vodka disappeared somewhere, it would appear somewhere else. And then there would be Russia.

What did one snail say to the other snail?

It...all...happened...soooooooo...fast

What happens when you step on an oily asian?

Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.

What happens to a drunk vampire?

They get a fangover.

What do you call a skydiving tonsil who's afraid that something bad might happen?

Paranoid!

Whatever happened to Robot Jones?

He got cancelled.

What happened to the over amorous clam?

It pulled a mussel.

What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date?

He got shot down.

What happens when you join two Koreans together?

Linkin Park.

What happens when Bosnian terrorists start attacking municipal government buildings?

It Herzegovina

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What happened to the religious idol when it was put up at auction?

It was sold to the highest Buddha.

What happens when Kim Jong-un gets sick?

He turns into Kim Jong-ill!

What happened when the Eskimo teens went clubbing?

They got new fur coats.

What happened when the reporter fell into the water?

She became an anchor...

What if earth rotates 30 times faster?

Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?" engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

What happens when you throw a black rock into the Red Sea?

I originally thought that the black rock gets wet, but it was brought to my attention that the Red Sea is in the middle east, so it prob'ly starts a holy war!

What happened when the USS Enterprise got a new toilet?

William Shatner

What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?

He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

What happens to garlic sauce over time?

The sausages.

What happens when two girl rabbits really like each other?

Bunnylingus!

What happened to the octopus in the football game?

He had tentackles.

What happens when an American has a heart attack and survives?

A 'murical.

What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house?

it was repossessed!

What happens when you cross the band "The Knack" and a bottle of Corona?

A song called "My Corona"

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

What happened when the pig ran into his ex?

there was a porkward silence

What happened when the joker dropped an elephant carrying a ten ton weight on Batman and Robin?

They became flatman and ribbon. has left the building.

What happens to the cannibal who is late to the party?

He gets the cold shoulder.

What happened to the Greek dairy farmer who got robbed on his way to market?

He was un-feta-ed of his cheese.

What happens when you zip up a lion?

It rars

What happens if you don't keep up payments to your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

What happens when Fonzie doesn't fold his clothes after doing laundry?

His shirts get all winkly.

What happened to the two zombies who went on a date?

They had a mantic** time.

What happens to Captain America when he dies?

He goes to the Evans

What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?

They think long and hard before they touch weiner.

What happens next?

The broom gets sweepy.

What happened to Mr. Potato Head when he smoked weed?

He got baked.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman naked?

The Dark Knight Rises.

What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?

He got fired.

What happened when Cinderella got to the ball?

She choked.

What happens when you take acid with a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

What happens when you put too many paintings in your car?

You can't make your van gogh.

What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?

Your parents would know!

What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?

she shattered his jaw!

What happened to the broken down frog?

It got away!

What happened to the frog that broke down?

It got toad away.

What happened to the baseball played who was unfaithful to his wife?

He was thrown out at home. - His two balls got a strike.

What happens if you get human DNA in a goat?

You get banned from the petting zoo.

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

What happened to the thick yellow liquid that committed a crime?

It was taken into custardy.

What happens when you find bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

What happens to a politician when he takes a Viagra?

He gets taller.

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What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie.

What's the worst thing when being told you have Alzheimer's?

It doesn't just happen the once.

What do Cooperstown and Woodstock have in common?

Cooperstown is where Baseball wasn't invented and Woodstock is where the festival didn't happen.

What happens when you throw a laptop into the ocean?

You have a Dell, rolling in the deep.

What happens when the Pope dies?

another one popes up.

What happens when the Sun and the Moon get together?

They turn out the lights.

What happens when you provoke an angry redhead?

Ginger snaps.

What happens when the lights go out in a Chinese restaurant?

It'll Dimsum.

What's the worst thing that could happen to an r/joke/ subscriber?

faint

What happened when a whore house caught on fire?

Some came out running, others ran out coming.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened when the shoe factory burned down?

500 soles were lost.

What happens when you put the energizer bunny's battery's in backwards?

He keeps coming and coming and coming.

What happened to the clock that was still hungry?

It went back 4 seconds.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

What happened when the black man went to night school?

The teacher marked him absent.

What do Jimmy Saville's victims and Aston Villa fans have in common?

They're still talking about what happened in 1982.

What happens if you play a country song backward?

You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

What happens when the President dies?

The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

What happens once a minute, twice a moment, but never in an eternity?

The letter M

What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?

The black ones steal your watch.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened to the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?

It wooden go

What do you call a bunch of stereotypical Americans running?

Nothing, it never happens.

How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.

What happened when Justin Bieber went to Michael Jackson's house?

Nothing, Michael liked boys.

What happens when a necrophiliac goes to a funeral?

He gets mourning wood.

What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

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