People Jokes

What do most people wear to court?

Law-suits

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Coffee Mug

What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's?

The Iforgotto

Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

Where do people with one leg work at?

and what are the employees names?

How many people does it take to screw in a light?

Two, but I don't know how they'll fit inside the bulb

What do you call a group of people who share bathroom facilities?

A: party poopers

Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?

Because all the good ones Argon.

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?

So people can read her lips.

What do people call their grandmother in India?

Naana

What did the sardine call the submarine ?

A can of people !

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Coffee Mug

Why do you think people hate us so much?

Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."

Why do they build fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get in

Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

What is the difference between the people in Dubai &amp?

the people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe

What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?

A: An Apple turnover.

Why is there a fence around the graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!

Why do people say "Be there or be square"?

Because if you're not there, then you're not around.

What's the best part about having a blind partner?

You know they won't be seeing other people.

What do you call a bunch of people buying non-brand name ice skates?

Cheapskates getting cheap skates

What do you calll a woman that people sit on ?

Cher !

Why don't people like talking about herpes?

It's a sore subject.

How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?

I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

What do you call a guy who always phones people?

Colin.

Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.

How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people?

He couldn't stand it.

Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to?

A: Heck

What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray?

They are just OFF-full

Which group of people are the best at jazz?

The Saxons!

How are people from Kentucky like flour?

They're inbred.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name?

Worst. Spy. Ever.

Why do people leave letters at the football ground ?

They want to catch the last goal-post !

Why are clothes so expensive?

I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?

For people that don't want anything to drink

What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

Long live the Queen.

How many people work at your company?

About half of them.

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

What do people say when you win a game in Egypt?

Game, *Set,* and match.

Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

There was no atmosphere

Why do people shoot up schools?

Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service.

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

Some people actually believe santa exist.

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

There both just honestly happy to finish

Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?

One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.

What do you call a water gun that gets people really excited?

A super stoaker

How many people from Brazil does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian!

How do you get alot of people to check out your post?

Tag it NSFW and repost it.

This joke may have profanity.

Why is Russia a very fast country ?

Because the people are always Russian !

Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge?

Don't they want to get better

What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day?

Counterfitz

Why are people afraid to play poker in Africa?

Too many Cheetahs.

What's black and smells like people?

Black People

What do you call a group of people addicted to Japanese drugs?

We abuse

Why do people keep buying velcro?

It's such a ripoff.

What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

People actually care if a gorilla dies.

Why is it so hard to help deaf people?

Because they never listen.

Why do people love working at yogurt factories?

Because of the culture!

Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?

Because he was a VI KING.

How can you tell that you're getting old?

You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Why don't cannibals have dogs?

Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.

What do you call a group of singing people floating around in the ocean?

An acappellago

When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?

is unwise, apparently.

What really ticks people off?

Time bombs.

Why do people call memes "dank"?

Because they release dopameme!

Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary?

People that would use said word can't read.

What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep?

Dumblebore

How do People in New Orleans have their beer?

Watered Down

What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's?

A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs?

It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.

What kind of people are always in a damn hurry?

Russians

What's the difference between most people and planes?

Most people miss the twin towers.

Why do they have fences around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in.

Why did the communist Chinese government outlaw Viagra?

They didn't want the people to have free elections.

This joke may have profanity.

How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."

What does an EA-18 and Bob Marley have in common?

They both are jamming people.

What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.

What did one ghost say to the other?

Do you believe in people

What do you call people who use the "pull out" method for contraception?

Parents.

Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?

I don't have 2020 vision.

How many livers do people have?

I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.

Why are organ donations low ?

Because most people have pianos

Why are people always having their pizzas delivered?

Just order them without liver."

How many people in Brazil shave?

A Brazilian.

Why do people call the deceased "late"?

They aren't late.. They aren't coming.

What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?

People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.

What type of people do vampires like?

Type O positive people.

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

What's up with black people?

They're not black... And they're not people.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?

Because people are dying to get in.

When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog?

What a creep.

How can people get engaged after dating less than a year?

You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker

Why are people into Flat Earth Theory?

Because it's edgy.

What's so cool about cemeteries?

I don't get it. People are dying to get in them.

What do you call people who don't repost jokes?

liars

Why are people not right in the head?

Because on the left side of the brain there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left!

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School Shooter Jokes More School Shooter Jokes

Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?

White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.

Why are the majority of school shooters white?

Because the black kids don't wanna get kicked off the basketball team.

Californian Jokes More Californian Jokes

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school. It's one of my first dirty jokes)

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs and infinity pools.

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

How do you find a dirty cop?

Call 911, it doesn't matter who answers

How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?

Like what if you find a penny

Tree Jokes More Tree Jokes

What's blue and white and can't climb trees?

A fridge with a denim jacket on

What does a tree do when it goes on vacation?

It packs its trunk and leaves.

Pothead Jokes More Pothead Jokes

How do you bury a pothead?

Coughin'

How did one pothead greet the other?

High

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

Why did Bill Gates get sick?

Because he left the Windows open.

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in

Shoot Jokes More Shoot Jokes

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?

Shoots him 8 times in the black.

What should you do if you see your TV floating?

Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What was the first joke ever written?

Ugh, Ugh Ugh? Uggh!

What kind of jokes does a mute clown tell?

Dumb ones!