Dog Jokes

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Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?

A retail store.

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What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?

Goes to a retail store to find another one.

Why do dogs lick each other?

Because they can't make a fist.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

What do you call a dog with 2 legs?

Snoop Dogg.

Why do dogs lick their balls ?

Because they can.

How many feet are in a yard?

4 if you have a dog.

What's it called when a dog burns down a building?

Arfson

What's the difference between a priest and his dog?

One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.

What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates?

God dogs

What kind of dog doesnt bark?

A hot dog

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What's a dogs favourite day?

Chewsday

Why did the mathematician call his dog Cauchy?

Because he left a residue at every pole.

Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog is also blind

How do you call a dog that likes to be on the Internet?

A Labragoogle.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

Why does everyone love Plato?

Because he loved Dogs and he had two sons named Plato and Socrates

What is the difference between a dog and a cat?

Kevin still doesn't know.

Why did the dog go to the hospital?

He was feeling ruff.

How can a dog afford to go to college?

Furnancial Aid

What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares their dogs too much

What do you call a submissive who likes to bark like a dog?

A subwoofer.

Why did the dog go to the funeral?

Because he was a paw bearer.

What's the difference between Sammy and Scooby-Doo?

Scooby-Doo doesn't have a dog.

What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?

Hula the dogs out?

What do you call a prosthetic arm for a dog?

Faux paw.

What do you call a dog who got re-elected for mayor?

A dog with pawlitical experience.

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

How many dogs does it take to count 14 plates?

14, maybe 15, but only if the plates ... 'run around a lot!'

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

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Why do dogs hate outer space?

Because they strongly dislike vacuums.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

What has four legs and isn't alive?

Son: "nice try, a chair!" Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."

What do you call a dog that is also a magician?

A Labracadabrador.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 20 beers!!

How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?

He used conditioner on them.

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 8 pints

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A subwoofer

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.

What kind of dog suffers most from being inbred?

A hot dog

What do you call a group of dogs?

a PAW-se

What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out?

Oven mitts.

What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog

How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?

Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof

What do you get when you mix a Dog and a Rhino?

How would Rhino?

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half of your dog...I hit it with my car.

What do you call a dog in a sub?

A subwoofer! Now again: What do you call a dog in a sub? Chinese food!

What do you call a dog subbing for a music teacher?

A subwoofer.

How do Chinese people know what to name their children?

After the last dog they just ate.

What does a plankton name its dog?

Phyto.

What do you call a dog with an amputated leg?

Yard stick.

What do you call a menagerie of dogs with overactive bowels?

A Shih Tzu.

What do nature and dogs have in common?

They both abhor a vacuum.

Whats the Difference between an Atheist, a Christian and a Dog?

DogMa

What dog is the worst at polishing a turd?

A poodull

Why do most blind folks not skydive?

The sound of the dog screaming at 8000 feet gets to you after a while.

What kind of dog should you get a spanish speaker?

A spaniel.

Why did the cat befriend the dog?

Because the dog let the cat out of the bag! Haha!

Why'd the dog cross the road?

Cause he's a dog.

What did the Dog say to the Chipmunk?

Woof.

How do you make a Cat sound like a Dog?

You pour some gasoline on it, light it on fire and it will go

Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?

It doesn't like Cats.

What do you call a dog wearing headphones?

Ear bud

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Why did they give a megaphone to the dog who couldn't climb a tree?

Because he couldn't bark

How can you tell a dog is a cool dog?

It swags its tail.

What do you call the doctor for dogs?

Dogtor

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

How do you teach your dog to roll over ?

Put him on fire.

What's the difference between a dog and a cyclist?

When you run over a dog you don't have to go back and get the GoPro.

What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?

Carpet bombing.

What type of dog suffers from being inbred?

A hotdog

What do you call a Korean with a dog?

vegetarian. For the record, I'm Korean and have a dog haha.

What do you call a dog who digs for bones?

A Bark-aeologist

What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog

How do you call a dog without legs?

you don't you go and grab him

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

9/11

How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

What do you get when you cross a dog with an amplifier?

A subwoofer.

Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die?

Because they didn't Lajka.

How many dogs does it take to change a tampon?

26

What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?

You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...

How do you stop a dog from barking in July?

Shoot him in June.

How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?

There are poodles everywhere!

How do you make a dog go meow?

Freeze it and run it through a bandsaw. MEEEOWW!!

What does a dog from Minnesota say?

Woof da.

How do dogs do business?

Pro-bono

What's the smelliest breed of dog?

A poo-dle

What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs?

Starving.

Wheres my dog gone?

Dead in the trash

How's your day Dog ?

Rough...

What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out?

Oven gloves.

What does a dyslexic Christian worship?

Dog

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

What kind of dog does Sauron have?

A La-Barad-dr

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

What car do dogs drive?

A Doge charger

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?

You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

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Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

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Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?

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What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

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Whats the difference between a woman and a dog?

Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones happy to see you afterwards.