U. Jokes

Judge:why did u shoot your wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

What's the difference between U and I?

What do u call an ethopian with a slice of cheese on his head?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What did the douchebag say to the chemist when he dropped his beaker?

U mad scientist?

How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests?

What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest

How do u find an old man in the dark?

Its not that hard

How does a poor man watch TV?

with binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.

What do u call a spanish man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

How do u castrate a priest ?

Kick the alter boy in the chin )

How do u get a pool table to laugh?

tickle its balls.

What do u call two lesbians floating down a river in a canoe?

Fur traders.

Which city u cannot enter?

ELECTRICITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What breaks when u give it to a toddler?

Her hips

What did the DNA say to the RNA?

What are U doing here?

How do u tell the population of a small native village?

throw a bunch of pocket change in the middle of town. How do u tell who is the richest person in that village? Find the person who gathered the most change.

How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.

Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I'm a dentist

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

They're not infallible

What the hell are you doing?

America: Getting rid of u

Where u going?

M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Who is it?

Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.

What do u say?

SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you

What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and ends with "T", and has a "U" and an "N" in it?

A coconut.

What do u get when u mix a douche and a tool?

Scottsdale.

Why did your car just spin around in circles?

Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

Why u bean like this?

SMACK "Don't u carrot all " CRACK

Where the hell are u?

ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there

What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?

People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.

Why did u jump off that bridge?

My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u " Yes. I literally just said that

How do u kno the deceased?

I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape " leans in I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Why did u shoot ur wife ?

Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

What happened out there?

I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either

How would u like that prepared?

ME: um medium well W: very good Me: oh god what have I just done

What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.

Why does America spell some words differently?

They said "We can do it without u, Britain."

What happens when u ask a fake logic fan... What is your favorite logic album?

Their response Flexicution

Why are u home so early?

Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

What happens when U change position too fast?

You get an unpleasant vowel movement.

How can U make a difference?

Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*

How do you spell "we" with two letters without using the letters W and E?

U and I.

How do U know it's the wrong hole?

No one has done this before, it's just us two you know

Why Arent You Taking Me With You To Bangkok?

Husband: Because Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. "If U Didn't Get It Go Watch Pogo":p

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?

Bite me.

How many women have u slept with?

Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

Where were u on the night of the 3rd?

Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

What do u give a woman who has everything?

Penacilin

What do u call a mexican in the back of a cop car?

Pork and beans

What u doing?

Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

What do u call a black abortion?

crime control

This joke may have profanity.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

How the rap feud started Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b'day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie Biggieeavesdropping: wipes tears

What do u call a lesbian with 9in fingers?

Well hung.

How do u make a Pirate angry?

Take the P out of him.

Who r they 2 stop u?

Boy: My wife &amp 2 kids.

What u call a black woman with 7 abortions?

Crimefighter

How does Bono spell color?

With or without "u"

What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

A coconut

When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?

if u say its not ok they give it to u for free

What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it?

Coconut

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