Woman Jokes

Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women?

Because everyone knows they give good *head*.

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What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

How does one know a man is going to say something smart?

His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."

What's the difference between a smart midget... What's the difference between a smart midget and a woman with a venereal disease?

Well, one's a cunning runt...

Why did you make women so beautiful?

God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb " God:"So she would love you."

What's 18 inches long, and makes a woman scream the entire night?

Her dead baby.

How do we know that God isn't a woman?

Because we're not all sandwiches

What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?

Bernadette!

Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head ?

Petal !

What do you call it when a woman of the church goes on a secret mission?

Nun of your business

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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul... The woman In the bathtub has soap in her hole.

What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

How do you get a woman from to be, to bed?

Give her the D.

What's the longest game in the world?

Two women playing pool.

How do you know he's a peeping tom?

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas?

With a DustBuster.

What do Iraqi men do that gets them laid on the first date?

They give their women awesome Dinar.

Why are hangovers better than women?

Hangovers go away!

Why did (do?

cavemen drag their women by the hair if the dragged them by their feet they'd fill up with mud.

What do you use when you are drowning in women?

A flirtation device.

What do you call a treehouse full of women you despise?

A country.

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare

How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip across the flat ones.

Why did God make women last?

He didn't want someone telling him what to do

What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute?

A Ronda Rousey fight.

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a bath?

The nun has hope in her soul, and the woman has soap in her hole. EDIT: NSFW

This joke may have profanity.

What do black guy's have that is twice the size of white men's, and expands upon contact with a woman?

A criminal record.

What do you get when you watch Cinderella backwards?

You see a woman learn her place.

What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?

Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window

How do you like your job testing push-up bras?

The other woman replies, "It has its perks."

What do black guys have that's double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman?

A. Their criminal record

How do you tell if a woman is a feminist?

She'll tell you within five minutes.

Where are all the women in amateur astronomy?

At the other end of the telescope.

Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!

What's roughly 6 inches long, has a head on it, and women love it so much that they often blow it?

A 20 dollar bill

Who are these women?

A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Why do you need to be 35 to be elected president?

So women don't get elected.

What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

What is the definition of "making love"?

Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

How do you know a woman is wearing tights?

Her knees swell up when she farts.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?

A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

What's the difference between sheep and women?

The Welsh don't know yet either.

What do women and Spotify ads have in common?

They're both annoying and want your money.

What is your opinion on women making 75% of a man's wages for the same job?

I said "Congratulations!!!"

What do you call a woman with one short leg?

ilene.

Why don't women propose to men?

Because the guy'd always be disappointed when she took out a ring.

What do Lena Dunham &amp ISIS have in common ?

They both love stoning women.

What's the difference between a dog barking at the front door and a woman screaming at the back door?

If you let the dog in, it will shut up.

What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man?

Addadictomy.

What's the difference between a group of crafty midgets and a jogging club comprised exclusively of women?

The former is a band of cunning runts...

How many women have u slept with?

Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

Why can't woman drive?

Because there are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!!

What do you call a woman that won't make a sandwich?

An ambulance.

What did the homeless man say to the woman who asked if he wanted 20$?

Yeah.

What's 9 inches long, pink, and women scream when you put in their mouth?

Their miscarriage

How are PCs different from woman?

I know how to turn a PC on.

What does Wonder Woman call foreplay?

Amazon Prime.

Why was the woman so attached to her Dr. Scholl's gel insert?

OC It was her sole comfort.

What do women and Google have in common?

They never let you finish first. (#s)

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic

Why do women need to wear jockstraps while skydiving?

To prevent them from whistling.

Which woman has Jesus as a nephew?

The Auntie Christ.

What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?

the woman asks her husband. "Keep sending them!"

Why do women love men who work with Horses?

Because those men have got Stable jobs.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?

Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english)

What do you call two women standing side by side?

Four abreast!

Why do women try to talk football?

Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies No. You don't.

How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?

Tired.

What runs forever and never dies?

An argument with a woman! And I'm in one right now.

Whats the difference between and old computer and a woman?

a computer accepts a 3.5 inch floppy

What do u give a woman who has everything?

Penacilin

Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

Cause if you dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with dirt.

Why do women like Ryan Gosling?

Because he is always Gosling around..... A co-worker snickered so I figued share.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes ?

Nothing, somebody already told her twice"

How are women like snow?

They seem really cool at first but then you're sick of them after a couple days and no one wants to be driving when they're on the road

What is the first rule of Womans fight club?

Never tell anyone what are you so mad about

Why don't women need watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

Why can't rock climbing instructors get dates?

Because they rappel men and women.

How do most women like their eggs?

Ovarie-z

What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to work it.

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking

What is six inches long has a bald head and drives every woman crazy?

100$ bill

What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?

Single.

What do women and linoleum have in common?

If you lay them just right you can walk on them for years.

What do you call a women that catches fish?

Annette

When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire (Credit to Kevin Hart)

Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

How are women like 90 degrees?

They're always right.

What do you call a woman who dyes her hair red?

Transginger.

What do you call the operation that turns a woman into a man?

An addadictamie.

How do you pick up women in Auschwitz?

With a broom &amp dustpan.

What's the difference between a woman in the bath and a woman at church?

Well... the woman at church has hope in her soul.

What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world?

Nothing, she's fine

Why do woman out live men?

They don't have wives

What do you say to a women with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

Who do women produce milk for?

The baby and the dad.

What is 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy when they see it?

An empty toilet paper roll.

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Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

Whats the difference between English Breakfast and Irish Breakfast tea?

One is still in the EU.

What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas?

I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face.

Cop Jokes More Cop Jokes

Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on ?

Because they carry guns instead

What do you call a Black man that walks by a Cop?

A Pencil cause he's full of lead!

Car Jokes More Car Jokes

What jumps up and down in front of a car ?

Froglights !

What said a person who got run over by a car?

I'm tired".

Jail Jokes More Jail Jokes

What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

I love the pokey, mon.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

Why do you never buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

Why couldn't the duck stop smoking?

Because he was a quack addict

What did the daddy salt say to his son?

Stop cracking your NaCles."

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

He replied... ...It's hard

Why are you rushin'?

Too which I replied "Because my grandpa is from Moscow." Duh..

Hole Jokes More Hole Jokes

How do you know when the hole you're digging is big enough?

When the (w)hole job's done.

What has holes in it, and travels down an alley?

Batman: my parents Riddler: no its a bowling ball! I-im so sorry!