Man Jokes

Why did the man go fishing?

Just for the halibut.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What do you call a man on your porch?

Mat. I neglected to mention he has no arms or legs.

Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

It was hard to make a living.

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn't concentrate.

What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman?

Do you sell flip-flips?"

How are men like fuses?

Once they're blown, they're useless.

How many women does it take to park a car?

A man.

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.

What is the most painful cereal known to man kind?

Banana Nut Crunch.

How did the greeks separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

What separates the men from the boys in the Navy?

A crowbar.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is the longest sentence that a man can make?

I do.

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."

What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV?

The Patriots

What did the shirt say to the pants zipper?

Your so fly man

What does a whore call a bus load of men?

Meals on Wheels

This joke may have profanity.

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

Why don't witches have babies?

Because their men have hollow-weenies!

What did the man in the "Race for a Cure" say to the three people beside him?

we're walking four abreast."

How do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

A bad magician

How the does man give his dead batteries away?

Free of charge, of course.

What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife?

Thanks for the mammaries.

Why did the man snort Dr. Pepper?

He thought it was Coke!

How can you tell baseball players are smarter than football players?

When was the last time you saw a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?

What does the last man on earth watch on tv?

Reruns

Why did Kanye West blow up the bakery?

Because no one man should have all that flour.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch?

Phil

What do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad?

A Bipolar Bear

Why did the man with acute bronchitis go on holiday?

Because he had a wee cough

How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!

What did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine...?

I heard that he was fully re-covered.

What do you call Wolverine post-op?

An x-man.

What did the captain say to the men before they got on the boat?

Men, get on the boat."

What do you get with a woman majoring in woman's studies?

I don't know but she'll never make as much as a man AND SHE KNOWS IT!

What the quickest way to a mans heart?

Though his chest with a knife

Why not man?

I really am a FunGi."

What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?

An alarm, you pervert!

What did the man say while holding a square clock?

I'm holding Time Square!

What do you call a man standing up to his knees in water?

Wade

Why is there only women's studies in college, but not men's?

Because we call men's studies history.

How do your pants fit?

The man responded, "Like a glove".

What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?

Friends

Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?

He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

Why do men like golf so much?

It makes it possible for them to go from hole to hole with an iron in their hands.

How is God just like every other man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.

What is an independent variable?

Student: A variable who don't need no man

When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?

and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

How can a man take an abortion pill?

He just picks one up and leaves.

This joke may have profanity.

Where did the man with an undecorated yard put his spare change?

His Hedge Fund.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.

What's the difference... between a (nationality, ethnicity, etc you want to make fun of) man and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How do I get to 280?

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.

Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

How long have you felt this way?

Man: "Ever since I was an egg."

What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?

O.K. you asked for it" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?

He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

How are men like carpet tiles?

If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

Where's the safest place to hide money from a man?

Under the soap

What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed?

Thanks for the handy cap.

What separates the men from the apes?

The Mediterranean Sea.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?

They stay stuck in adolescence.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?

I don't know man, I just fly the drones.

How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?

With a crowbar.

How do Muslims seperate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

Why did the man take a pencil to bed ?

To draw the curtains !

What the problem?

Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

What do you call a man in the window?

INNUENDO!!!!!!!

Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?

No phone numbers.

Which one of the ten men won the pun contest?

No pun in ten did!

What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Why are men faster than women?

Ball bearings and stick shift.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?

Stop "Russian"

Who's at fault ?

the man, he should't have been driving in the kitchen.;3

What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common?

A missed erection.

This joke may have profanity.

How did the man see her?

It was a bright sunny day.

Why was the man allergic to Christmas?

Because it's the reason for the sneason.

How does a man cut his hair on the moon?

Eclipse it

How many men are in each corner?

3/5

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind. 2. No business.

What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?

A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...

What did the man say to the giant squid?

What's kraken JAJAJAJAJJAJJAJA

Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?

Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."

What does a man with one leg wear to the beach?

Flop.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?

Because he wanted a hot rod.

How long does it take to fly to Boston?

The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

Why did the man take a shower?

He was a thief

How does a man on a moon get his haircut?

Eclipse it.

What's Iraq's favourite sitcom?

Men behaving Baghdadly.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

A. Three if you slice them very thinly.

What's the difference between... a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a supernatural being that only grants wishes to men?

A miso-genie!

What are your best 'no arm, no legs' jokes?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on his porch Matt.

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Bed Jokes More Bed Jokes

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?

A horse !

What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

Steal Jokes More Steal Jokes

What do you call a dog with no legs and balls of steal?

Sparkie.

What's faster than a black man stealing a T.V?

A: His brother running with the V.C.R

Yellow House Jokes More Yellow House Jokes

Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!

Who lives there?

The yellow man lives in the yellow house. The purple man lives in the purple house. The red man in the red house. And the blue man in the blue house. So who lives in the White House? The black man. It's better in person, I'm so sorry.

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

Whats another meaning for a women?

Finger puppet

Satisfy Jokes More Satisfy Jokes

What's 9 and a half inches long and satisfies all c*nts?

An iPad.

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

Price Jokes More Price Jokes

Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.?

because the prices were Solo

What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up?

A: They went on stroke.

Diaper Jokes More Diaper Jokes

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

How do diapers work?

Hnng. Aaaaaaaah. Like that. I'll show myself the door.

Black Man Jokes More Black Man Jokes

Why was the black man so tall?

Because his knee grows.

What did the cab driver say when the black man got into his cab?

Where to sir?