Mom Jokes

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

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How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?

Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

This joke may have profanity.

Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

Why does Juan walk around the school like he owns the place?

Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it

What's the difference between your mom and my computer?

I can still turn your mom on.

Why am I black and you're white?

A boy asks his mom, Why am I black and you're white? She says, Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark

What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

Look ma, no hands!

What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.

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What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

What is the difference between your mom and Kim Kardashian?

One is a dirty whore and the other is Kim Kardashian.

This joke may have profanity.

Why is my mom always right about everything?

Because she said so and that's final.

How do you make a horomone?

You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick. )

What do Aids, Syphilis and Chlamydia have in common?

Your mom.

What's more annoying on the internet, a troll or spam?

Your mom!

What's big and round and full of seamen?

Your mom

What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used?

Your mom.

What do your mom and Poland have in common?

a lot of countries have been inside her.

What's the difference between a waitress and your mom?

A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.

Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?

She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.

What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom?

Your mom is funny.

Why was the strawberry crying?

Because it's mom was in a real jam.

What's wrong with little Timmy?

Mom, sad): He went to Jared.

What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold?

Your mom never gave me reddit gold.

What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

Help! I'm melting!

How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?

Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.

What do I have in common with neutrinos ?

We're both constantly penetrating your mom

What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common?

They both like giving nickel rides to black men!

What's the difference between an airplane bathroom and your mom?

Your mom can fit 3 people inside her comfortably!

What do your mom and a camel have in common?

They both spit.

Why was the strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam!

Why was the young snowflake so upset?

Because he just watched his mom get plowed.

What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer?

Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.

How did Helen Keller get punished?

Her mom rearranged the living room

What does a brick and your mom have in common?

They are both flat-chested and laid by Mexicans.

This joke may have profanity.

What does your mom and your driveway have in common?

They both have a GARBAGE box.

What's a GF?

Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom

How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?

She kept wetting the bed.

Why was the young strawberry upset?

Cause his mom was in a jam. :(

What do your mom and monkeys have in common?

Macaque

Why was the baby strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam.

Whats the difference between your Mom and the Pringles guy?

I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.

What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!

Why did I cross the road?

Because your mom was on the other side..

What do you say when your mom walks in on you fapping?

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?

Rastafriedrice

How are neutrinos and i alike?

Were both constantly penetrating your mom

What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.

What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom?

One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.

What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?

I've cleaned up and found Jesus.

Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?

From the looks of it, your dad won

What did justin beiber say to his mom?

I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers

What do Jesus and your mom have in common?

They both got nailed all night.

What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.

What's updog?

Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED

What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

Where's the cake?

Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

What happens when you goose a ghost?

You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)

Why is there a broom in the driveway?

me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car

What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and your mom?

Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.

Why was the cookie crying?

Because it's mom was a wafer so long.

Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough Mom: Get out.

What do neutrinos and I have in common?

We're always penetrating your mom

How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?

I forgot to wet the soap.

When a guy yells out, "Linda why didn't you give your mom any grandkids?

She yelled back, "Because I swallowed them all!"

What does my mom and a turkey have in common?

They both died on Thanksgiving

How long have you had this problem?

the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

What's a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies?

Your mom.

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom &amp Dad

What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?

Your mom.

What do you call a cow... With three legs?

Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs .... YOUR MOM.

What are you going to be for Halloween dad?

me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be me: Mad

What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

How about her mom?

Has she said anything

Why do babies cry so much?

YOU'RE MOM.

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

His mom got soul custody.

How old is your girlfriend?

She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

Not yet," she replied

What do you call the corner of 69th and main?

Your moms place of employment

Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place?

Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it

What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find their mom?

Because she is Trans-parent! (Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)

What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?

They can both take about 65 loads.

What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow?

Besides a tiny, brief panic attack

Why can't Kylie Jenner see her mom?

Because she's trans-parent

Why didn't your back break, mom?

You're adopted."

What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

What's the difference between my bike and your mom?

Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.

What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

Mom and Dad.

Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?

He went to Jared.

What's wrongdad?

Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

What's the difference between three black guys and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

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